lost cause?

I was browsing through blogs a few weeks ago. I chanced upon a blog that belongs to an old colleague. I suppose you could say that we're friends, but there was a time, turbulent and intense, when we found ourselves on opposing sides. It has been years, and I would like to believe that time heals all wounds.

Anyway, there was something in her entry that came as a shock to me. It was a something of an admission. She said she had become what she had never wished herself to be or was afraid of becoming: materialistic. Wound up in the trappings of a worldly existence, so to speak. A consumerist, caught in the world of capitalism, a world she had so strongly denounced back in our college days.

That kind of denouncement was a part of a philosophy that had been, in a way, the brunt of our differences.

No, I did not have a "capitalist mentality" as I assume I was silently accused of at that time, but I was one of those who subscribed to the idea that changing society did not mean a total rejection of present-day realities. I have always believed that activism is never exclusive to those who choose to go to the mountains or listen to Rosas ng Digma. I went to the mall, drank choco frap at Starbucks, hung out at Greenbelt 3. I know that these things are as real as they are fake. I have no illusions. I know the great divide that separates students in their airconditioned rooms from the beggars on the street. I know that even that last sentence is an understatement of the grim realities we are living in.

We, in that institution we so loved, knew this and we all wanted to do something about it, only that we had different means. I considered myself an activist, albeit without all the labels. What I had wanted people to understand then was that we needed to respect each other's beliefs and know the battles each one was waging against our common enemy, and that we are all fighting for the same thing: change.

More than that, I guess I wanted to show them that I can do it; I can change people and society, I can start my own revolution even if I wasn't "gnd". A tiny part of me wanted to prove that I can stand by my convictions even as I threw myself into "the system" because I knew where I stood; I wanted to keep the faith.

I would like to think that for the past year, I have been doing just that.

When I read that entry, I didn't know what to think. I felt weak and nauseated. Half of me wanted to say "Hah, I knew it." To my surprise, however, a greater part of me was, I don't know, disappointed.

I was deluged by a wave of sadness. It was as if I had been fighting for a lost cause. I wanted to tell her her to go on, or rather, go back. I never really wanted to prove her--or those shared her beliefs--wrong, I simply wanted to give life to my own beliefs and let them realize that we could coexist.

I never really realized it until I read her blog, but I had hoped all along that she would continue to do the same thing, and say in the end that she, too, was right.

You see, we were both right. In this kind of battle, our causes are justified by our faith. We were on the same side because we both believed, strongly and with passion.

For what she has become now, she has her reasons. Whatever these may be I am certain that for her they are valid. She has turned her passion toward something else, something that I think has made her truly happy. I daresay she will be even happier in the future. I am glad that things have turned out well for her in the end. That is enough, I guess; I will ask nothing of her nor demand her to wield her old sword again.

As for me, I will go on. I know that I am no longer fighting the old fight; I have new ones to face. I have moved on and I have no regrets. But one thing remains and serves as a reminder of those intense, turbulent days: faith. Stripped of all armor and weapons, beyond all borders and labels, this is the only thing that stands firm and moves us into action. It is unshakable. This is why even the greatest adversaries can stand on the battlefield and look at each other in the eye--not with hatred or vengeance, but with deepest respect. Faith is the personal and universal truth that fuels us all.

Magna est veritas et prevaelebit.